The Gottman Institute, co-founded by doctors John Gottman and Julie Gottman, has developed a research-based perspective on relationships after over 40 years of data collection. This research has classified couples into five distinct categories: three types of happy couples and two types of unhappy couples. Each category reflects unique ways of managing relationship challenges and seeking resolution.
1. Conflict-Avoiding Couples
The Gottman Institute describes conflict-avoiding couples as individuals who prefer to emphasize their shared interests rather than engage in persuasive discussions. These couples often shy away from voicing their needs, focusing instead on nurturing their connection. While this may appear unhealthy, they do not shy away from crucial discussions. Rather, they choose to prioritize their bond over resolving conflicts. The Institute emphasizes that conflict-avoiding couples maintain a balance between independence and interdependence, establishing clear boundaries while enjoying their own individual interests. Though they might rely on each other for certain aspects, they derive satisfaction from diverse sources. This dynamic raises questions about potential resentment or emotional distance, but when managed well, these couples can coexist harmoniously.
2. Volatile Couples
Contrary to what the term “volatile” might suggest, there are positive elements in the relationships of volatile couples. The Gottman Institute notes that these couples are characterized by their emotional intensity. In discussions regarding conflicts, they engage in persuasion right from the start and maintain this energy throughout the conversation. Their debates often include humor and shared amusement, indicating a genuine enjoyment in discussing their differences. Although they may have more arguments than other couples, these interactions are often rooted in mutual respect and affection, aimed at strengthening their bond. Volatile couples are authentic and require a degree of patience and stability for a lasting connection.
3. Validating Couples
Validating couples represent a middle ground between conflict-avoiding and volatile couples. Their conversations are calm, grounded, and supportive, enabling both partners to share their thoughts without fear of judgment or emotional escalation. This dynamic appears to be an ideal combination; these couples confront conflicts directly but do not dwell on them unnecessarily. They tackle issues with empathy, validation, and a calm demeanor, fostering a healthy environment for resolution.
4. Hostile Couples
The term “hostile” aptly describes one of the two unhappy couple types identified by the Gottman Institute. In these relationships, one partner tends to be critical while the other becomes defensive, or both may exhibit these traits. This dynamic leads to a lack of consideration for each other”s thoughts and feelings, with conflicts marked by contempt. During disagreements, partners reiterate their perspectives without offering support or understanding, resulting in frequent misunderstandings and a growing disconnect.
5. Hostile-Detached Couples
Hostile-detached couples share similarities with hostile couples but are characterized by significantly greater emotional detachment and isolation. According to the Gottman Institute, these couples are unhappy and face a high likelihood of divorce. The Gottmans describe them as two parties engaged in a frustrating stalemate, reminiscent of two armies locked in a conflict with no resolution in sight.
